Random thoughts...

This is complete random random thoughts, just things that I want to get off my mind. I don't know what's going on with me creatively. I taught this big seminar in the college and thought it would get me all creatively fired up. It did. But my writing skills seem to have died. It's all Aliza's Fault! She's the one who got me into writing blog style. You know? Like totally Yuna randomness style :-P And now it's hard to actually sit down and write anything.
I just feel like a seed planted in the ground or an egg waiting to hatch. Just waiting. And waiting. And waiting for the right time to come.
Why do we do anything? What drives you? What drives me? The one thing that drives me and inspires me has been lacking as of late, P. Eug can attest to that. I just, it's hard to get up each morning and go to work. It's hard to be excited about life. It's the daily grind, or the daily grindstone if that suits you. I just feel like I go in and out and life needs some excitement. I enjoy waking up some days and smiling and thinking of how things could be. Then I realize what I need to do to get there. And its' going to take awhile, unless God does something.
Maybe the key to living life is risk. Playing safe is just...hard? its' safe, but sometimes you have to wonder, maybe i just have to live life. I see people, ahem, really enjoying those tiny details in life and then I wonder - why the heck can I not do that? Sigh. Darn it. I...shoot...just, why can't I walk around the city, enjoy myself, and live a life that brings glory to God in everything and just be satisfied with that? Why must I strive to enjoy the little random details in life - the joy of smelling the cement after a strong rain. Yeah, I'm weird. Anyway, it's like, why, why, why?
Summer vacation, semester break, etc. These are the things that make life fun. Why? Because ANYTHING can happen. Literally. Did I mess things up? Did I completely destroy things? What can I do to make things right? I feel that life keeps going up and down, up and down, and I can't get it to just be steady, to just go up. Part of me wants to push and make something happen! If you stab me, do I not bleed? Oooooo...emo line. No, quoting a poem, easy there, partner. Other times, I feel like Lady Macbeth, staring at my sin stained hands and screaming that it can't get clean and falling on the ground in a pile of tears. Condemnation. Bad. There's your spank on the hand, Mark. Now, I'm supposed to go on with life. It should be that simple. No, I sit and think about my regrets constantly. Regret is an empty desk, an unsaid word, a half-felt hug...
Speaking of which, you know you can tell a lot about how a person feels about you by their hug? A hug communicates it all. You can tell if they just like you as a friend, if there is something more, if it is a brother/sister thing, or if they just don't like you. Like, they absolutely DO NOT like you and want you to go away from them and just get away. Like, "Get away from me!" Of course, those people usually run away screaming like they just saw the monster from Cloverfield. Lol. Frick. That's why I like hugs. You can tell, it affirms a friendship, it lets the other person know "this is how much I appreciate you, and even if I don't say it, I want you to feel it." I wish it could be more like that here. In NYC, hugs were common. Here, well, it's only a few random people. Or people are picky with who they hug. Or they just...never mind.
So there are all my random freaking thoughts. Talk about a depressign update after a long line of depressing updates. I guess I'm tired of pretending I'm happy.